*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
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How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I told my therapist that I’ve given CPR to 3 different people in 3 separate incidents at a particular grocery store and she advised me to stop going there.
That’s good shit right there
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Festive toon…
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.