Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

Stop.

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!