(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
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“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
technique
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
