(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
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Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”