has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
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I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
To the max.. 馃槀
Sound on
Mine in this week鈥檚 New Yorker
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can鈥檛 sneak up on me
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I鈥檓 up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
need a new bf mines broken 馃槓
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
If you see me out in public but we haven鈥檛 spoken since high school let鈥檚 keep it that way.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that鈥檚 where I was going.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.