Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

Good lord

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.