has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
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my dad when a sex scene comes on
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Bill is short for Billiam
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
couldn’t resist
