has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.