has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
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“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days