*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

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ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice


*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.


First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.


DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
DORA: “I like that part too.”


Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”


[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree


Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL


Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.


No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”


10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”