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@NoogsCorner: *has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
@rage_chaos: I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote "I ain't afraid of no ghosts"
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
@ShortSleeveSuit: [first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
@CornOnTheGoblin: [answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news...HOW contagious?
@andlikelaura: Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please