*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
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Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Finally, a door that understands me
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.