*has no idea what a book even is*
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To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.