*has no idea what a book even is*
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Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.