“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
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From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Gods work.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.