“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
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three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
How does someone manage that 🤨
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.