Has science gone too far?
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Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss