Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
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Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
this made my day 😂
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
concern
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.