Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
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As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
What do you text your spouse?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.