Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
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My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I have so many questions.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
The best plant holders?
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.