Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
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[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Not messing around
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.