Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
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Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I’ve had relationships like this
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.