Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

Meow?

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot