Has there ever been a more American story?
You Might Also Like
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.