Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

Everyone’s family