Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym

cashier: you’re at a bakery miss

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

This is my favorite one of these!

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.