Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
You Might Also Like
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music