Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
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[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
uncle dave has been through hell
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda