Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
You Might Also Like
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right