Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
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God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees