Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
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The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
concern
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.