Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
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My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
*aggressively waits in line*
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.