Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.