Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
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Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
This makes total sense…
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women