Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
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This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!