Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

when someone rings the doorbell

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

Remember folks 😂

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house