Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This took me a second..

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

Okay, I’m still confused…

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

Oh. My. God.

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11