“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
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therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.