Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*