Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

ouch

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?