[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
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I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.