Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
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Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord