waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
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You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Me: God damn it.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
[last day as head juror]
judge: how do you find the defendant
judge: and the full sentence?
me: oh sorry. we find the defendant guilty
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*