Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive