Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
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This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
😂🖐️
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.