Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wraps present*

Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.

[20 minutes later]

Shit.

ㅤ

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

*pouring wine over ice cream*

No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day