Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
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So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
my astrological sign is a french fry
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
mathematically impossible
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.