Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
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Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]