Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.

Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep