Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.