hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
You Might Also Like
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”