hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
You Might Also Like
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Math at Halloween.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated