[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
You Might Also Like
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*