Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

Not today. 😅

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV