Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
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I have so many questions.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Wikigenius
