Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
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I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
✌🏽
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
tis the season
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming