Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi