Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.

Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?