Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
You Might Also Like
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I hydrated. Surrender now.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
The cycle continues
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???