Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
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I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.