Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
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*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
the last thing a carrot sees
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not