Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
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Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Dolls on drugs
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.