Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.