Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…