Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

Möther may I have a snäck

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.