Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
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Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
noooooo don’t hurt yourself
let me do it
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.