Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
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God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
reminder
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
when you order from DoorDastardly
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
The chart results are in…
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up