Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”

Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.