Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

North and South

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?