Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

calling in to work dehydrated

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

You might just have to resign…

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.