@Bownuggets

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

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@CloydRivers

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

@mattbooshell

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

@realHamOnWry

Worst thing about being born on April Fools Day is that nobody takes you seriously. Even my parents were in denial for the first 47 years.

@LittleMissAngr1

Them: I’m so sorry!

Me: *checking that their concrete boots have set* It’s all water under the bridge.

@noog

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

@Jake_Vig

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

@TheBoydP

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

@bfrosty04

Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor’s swing-set.

@Rollmaninoz

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens