Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

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We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.


BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted


Worst thing about being born on April Fools Day is that nobody takes you seriously. Even my parents were in denial for the first 47 years.


Them: I’m so sorry!

Me: *checking that their concrete boots have set* It’s all water under the bridge.


Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help


Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.


Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!


Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor’s swing-set.


God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens