Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

Doctors texting each other.

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.