Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
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ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?