Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
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Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
This is my pinned tweet
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
per my last wtf
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor