Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

Printer ink is expensive

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

You know…for fall…

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back