Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
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[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Wake me when AI does housework
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’