hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
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How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Sex so good you see dead people.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think