hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
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Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Just did a big green poo by a canal
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”