hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
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Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I hate when that happens.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I get distracted pretty eas
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.